Self-Compassion

Research into self-compassion over the last decade reveals a link to increased happiness, life satisfaction, better relationships and physical health, along with less anxiety and depression. So, what is it? Essentially, self-compassion is treating oneself the way one's best self would treat a friend facing a challenge or difficulty, and includes three key elements: self-kindness, the recognition that everyone makes mistakes and feels pain, and mindfulness.

To illustrate how self-compassion differs from what many of us do, consider the following scenario: A friend calls seeking comfort after a break-up. You tell her that it's probably because she is old, ugly, boring and needy! While we can't fathom speaking to a friend this way, this is precisely the self-talk going on in many of our minds. We would more likely tell our friend something like: "I'm so sorry, I am here with you to listen and support you in any way I can." We can also choose to speak to ourselves this way.

Self-criticism, the opposite of self-compassion, exacts a heavy toll on our mental, physical and emotional well-being. When we feel stress or danger, the survival area of our brain activates the body's threat-defense system. The body may then mobilize a fight, flight or freeze response. If there is nothing outside to attack, the attack turns inward in the form of self-criticism, and we become both the victim and perpetrator of an internal battle. If we go into a flight response, we flee into isolation. A freeze response will spur rumination, but the overwhelming feelings will prevent our taking action.

Conversely, when we practice self-compassion, we feel safe and care for, like a child receiving a warm hug. This activates the mid-brain, which is linked to the mammalian care system, down-regulating the stress response and promoting the release of endorphins and oxytocin. These neurochemicals enhance our sense of well-being, relaxation, trust, and psychological stability.

I'd like to share a practice that fosters self-compassion. Imagine yourself as a small child, and invite that child to sit on your lap. Maybe ask if she'd like a hug. Then, I ask how he feels and I listen. Keep asking if there's anything more until she has expressed everything. Then, let her know that at any time during the course of the day if she feels upset or needs a hug, that she can let you know and you will listen and comfort her.

Since beginning this practice, not only have I experienced a marked improvement in my sense of safety, confidence and self-esteem, but have also found my capacity to be present to and comforting of others' emotional pain to increase. Doing this has softened me in a way that decades of meditation had failed to do. In self-compassion, rather then simply feeling the experience, as is the case with mindfulness, I feel it and then ask what I need, and then offer that to myself with kindness.

I invite you to give this practice a try and hope you find it as beneficial as I have.